Augustus Prime My Diary

Angus the thirst

Me big daddy says I was left behind when my family ( he says they were Aliens) visited earth for a look around to see if they could invade it, and had to leave in a hurry ’coss there were loads of cats here already and dumped me coss a were a bastard.

I think he’s pulling me paw cos I do remember living with me cat mum and some others just like me and me cat mummy said I was born in a barn on Mapril 2019, just like “baby cheeses” and I do love cheese especially me big mummy’s’ expensive Norregion cheese from somewhere called Norway.

Back to me diary.
I’m now twelvty weeks me cat mummy kicked me out and teld me to go and find some daft mug to pander to me whims coss a were “doin’ her edd in” So off I went and trekked for miles and years until tired and very hungry.
The 1st of Augustus is the day I fell on me lucky paws and saw a door so I gave it a scratch and did a few little “Meows” and the door was opened by what was to become me big Daddy.

He turned to look inside and said “Di, there’s a little kitten here wanting to come in should I let it in” Me mummy said “Yes” and they begged cat food off me mate Milo’s mummy and gave me some milk.

They decided that my name would be Augustus Prime and would call me Oggie for short. I love them both so much and they love me I am such a lucky lad to have them and they are lucky to have me.

I learned very early on how to get attention from me mummy and daddy ‘ I just stand in front of the big moving window thing, I thinks it’s called a tevilition, an’ me daddy tells me to shift and when I don’t he opens the window to let me out or gives me a chew or sweety to bribe me down, I’m dead clever.

On Novumbra the thirst, they bundled me into a box and took me for a ride, I were dead scared and they left me in this place on me own and I had a long sleep. When I woke up, I was on me way ‘ome in the car I could smell we were goin’ ‘ome and I was a bit dizzy for a while and me mum kept saying “sorry my little man but it had to be done for your good” “Oh ‘ek what was done?” I wondered.

After a couple of days, she let me go out and I saw Milo and told him about my escapade in the strange place. He then looked at me and said, ( He’s posh his mums a teacher) “Oh yes I went there for that” I said “What for the sleepy stuff in the funny house?” “No, you daft sod, They took you to the vets to be Catstrated, that means they have chopped of your testimals so you can’t have fun with Karen and other lady cats.

Well that were a shock a can tell thee ‘cos I didn’t know what he was talking about, “I still have fun with Karen chasing her under her mams parked car, so me testimals must be ok”

Milo rolled on his back laughing and said “ Not that kind of fun you plonker, naughty fun, you know lady, kissy fun” I was still no wiser so I just walked away thinking that he was pulling me tail and taking the stuff I put in my litter tray.

When Distember came, Me mam put me a tree up int livin’ room just for me to practice me clymin skills and then she hung glittery bits to keep me mind occupied when it were cold outside. After a few times of whacking ’ em wi mi paw a got a bit fed up and left it alone after that ‘cos me mam stopped shouting at me to stop and didn’t speak to me; but after a week or two she must ave forgotten about it ‘cos they gave me lots of treats to open up and I stuffed myself on loads and loads of Gill’s chicken and sprouts “Yuk”

Jamuberry came and so did the rain, and Me mam started on a fitness regime, consisting of running up the stairs to her litter tray every 20 minutes day and night.
This was great for me ‘cause I would go with her attach my legs round her bottom legs and chew on her toes it was such fun.
I heard her talking to my auntie Beryl (who had just had a robot hip fitted) saying that “You don’t know what pain was unless you have Mount Vesuvius exploding down the toilet and a demented cat clung to your uncles biting your toes at 2am, 3am, 4 am.
That’s agony” what did she mean I thought we were playing ‘cause it was good fun.

Fubdury came and it rained.
I got fed up of drying mesen on me mams and dad’s legs and the silly crow kept tryin’ to dry me on a towel, what the ek does she think her legs and me tongue’s for.

I was chatting to Milo and James one morning an ‘they aksed me why I talked the way I do (He talk’s dead posh).
I teld him that me mam taught me to talk and that’s the way she does, me dad dun’t talk much except to shout at the telly When Doris Jonsun or Ronald Crump starts talking.

Milo teld me about him Karen and James.
Milo was born in boarding school as was Karen.
Their mam is an aristocat and Milo and Karen’s dad was the Prince Of Wales, he knew that ‘cos it said it over the door of the house were his dad lived.
They were adopted by Dizzy so they could live in’t country while their mam an’ dad were travelin’ abroard.
James told me he was a born in the Cats protection freedom fighters camp.
His mam was a spy an’ his dad was a mercenary soldier and he had been picked up wounded by his big dad and made well when he got caught in a big cat war as a kitten.
I said, “are you kiddin’ me.” They said that it was all true.

I was sitting in Gills garden centre one Fubdury mornin’ when I caught this mouse and Gill said “You’re a clever boy, you can have a job here as “executive rodent remover” The pay is 1 egg and all the rodents you catch” I said “yes” and that was when I stated me job. I love it!!

March has arrived and so has this new Canary virus, but I’m still allowed to work as I’m exempt from it, I helped Gill clean out the budgies today.
She’s got green one’s blue one’s and yeller one’s but the’re called cannery’s.
My job was to sweep all’t feathers up and tek em to a bin.
When I’d done Gill laughed and said “You silly sausage you’ve got yellow feathers all round your whiskers, go home and tell your mum and dad you’ve got Canary virus.
I went up to me mam wit feathers all round me gob and she went cheese biscits (crackers) (I like cheese) “You little bastid you’ve eaten one of Gills canaries, go and say sorry” When I saw Gill again I told her about me mam going biscuits and she had a good laff, Oh I do love winding me mam up, but me dads not that daft or easy to wind.

As me mum and dad can't get to the shops 'cause of this canary virus thing, I thought I'd do 'em a favour and get me own as me sachets were dwindling.
Whilst doing my rodent patrol in Gill's garden centre I caught this critter and ate the lot, and i mean the lot.
Me mum was that cross as I puked it all up tail and all.
I missed my litter tray by centiliters, I thought she would be pleased, she wasn't. (the old crow, I’ll pee in her shoes)

A caught a biiiiig mouse today. It had big pointy ears and a fluffy tail. gived it to me mum to cook and I 'ope she makes me mittens and an 'at with big ears fa wen it's cold, out of it's furry 'at an coit (hat and coat). Yer know t’ mouse I sed a caught yesterday, well I’m dead depressed 'cause the old Crow binned it and said a wer a prat I said “I’m not a Prat I’m a bloody cat” and she booted me out in’t rain and wouldn’t let me back in till I said sorry. The’ll be more than pee in her slippers before mornin'. I were reight lookin’ forward to some decent grub an all not to mention me ‘at an’ gloves.

Milo (He’s a ging) and Karen (She’s grumpy) live next door with their mam Dizzy.
She’s ded nice and gived me loads of stuff as Milo an’ Karen ‘ad done wi.
Like bouncy things and fly in the air on a stick thing.
James ( He’s big and black an’ when he walks his gut is that big it sweeps t’muck oft road) lives on’t end wi a dog and his dad and two younger dads) Well tuther day It were rainin’ and Milo and James were sat out int rain an I aksd em why they didn’t go in out of the rain through their special door int door, The told me that they were waiting for someone but there was a big pile of cheese ont kitchen floor and would I like to go in and eat it as they had had enough.( I love cheese)

“0h You bet” says me and off I went to the cat door, pushed me way in and just as I were pulling me last leg through, I was set on by the screaming big lump that set about knocking 7 shades of shat out of me.
A was battered and bruised but I managed to get out before she (Karen) pulled off me winkle.
When I got into t’road James and Milo were laying on their backs legs in the air peeing themselves with laffing.” You bustards you set me up all me bits are sore and bruised, you could ‘ave warned me.” Milo said” Where’s the fun in that, why do you think we sit outside in the rain when my mums at school, not because I love getting wet, it’s because that crazy bitch is sat by my flap waiting for me so she can give me a hiding “ and with that fell about laughing again.

Today’s 1st of Avril and this canary virus is getting’ everyone into trouble and I heard me dad say to Maart something about being in lock up.
Well a was watchin’ C.S.I. on’t telly an’ they put people in lock up when they’ve done summat bad.
I’m thinkin’ it’s to do with all this global warning and cows fartin’ so everyone has to stop goin out and fartin.
Doris Trump says it could go on till’t airs clean, it must stink out there where’t news comes from coss they all wear masks.

Me mam an’ dad’s still in lock up though they do go out on’t quiet to get me grub as they know I would fetch lots of mice in’t ‘ouse if I were ‘ungry.

It’ll soon be me birthday.
I wonder if Grumpy and the old crow’ll get me summat nice for a gift? Me mums got some right cool earrings some’s got spiders on and some’s got aliens on.
Well I was wondering if for me birthday she would let me have my lug ‘oles pierced like her so I could put ‘em in me lug oles.
I decided to aks me mates James and Milo what they thought.
They said they would do it if I brought them out; so, I ran up and took the ones wi spiders on and gave it to them to poke through. (I like spiders ‘cause when you bite their belly’s they pop in your gob and all this juice runs out yum, yum)
James sat on top of me while Milo grabbed me lugs and eventually got one through.
Cripes it were reight painful, but A were dead chuffed when I looked in Dizzy’s car reflecting glass at mesen I did look cool.
I ran inside to show me mum and dad and me mam screeched at me “You stupid little forking cat what the hell have you done to yourself? You’ll be having a tattoo next” What’s a tattoo????

Avril 43rd Toomsday. James said he would teach me some marital arts as ‘e lernd when ‘e wer in’t Cats Protection Leeg as a body gard; so, after work I went to meet him as arranged in’t field across and down near Dewi’s place. Off I goes.Before I got there this black curly haired thing came running up to me saying “Maaam, Maaam.”

I said “no I’m not your mam, I’m Oggie go ‘ome” to which ‘e replied “Maam, Maam” anyroad up I thought it best to go ‘ome, and it wasn’t until I was jumping through’t winder which me mam and dad leave open if they,ve gone out, I watch this maamaa jump through, but not before polishing off all me mams flowers and plant in ‘er garden.

He followed me to me food dish in’t kitchen and drank all me milk and water. Maamaa started again with this bleating and I thought perhaps he’s lost and frightened. Well I know how that feels so I said I would aks me mam and dad what to do with him. With that I went up to bed and settled down till they came back as did maamaa. About what felt like 3hours went past but I don’t think it was that long as they had only gone shopping.

I was just going into my second sleep with Maamaa snuggling up to me when I hears t’ car stop and me mam screeched “Some Bastard’s nicked all me flowers and plants out of’t garden” and came running in straight up stairs to see if I was there and when she saw me and Maamaa on’t bed out came another screech “What the ‘ell is that bloody lamb doin’ on me bed.”

With that poor Maamaa flew up in the air, pooped all over me mams piller and peed all over t’ bed. (Well he had drunk a lot.) Mam shouts down to dad “Oggie’s only turned into a sodding cattle rustler, he’s nicked a lamb. Ring Davina and see if it’s one of hers, before lamb chop becomes lamb chops for the freezer as it’s done everything all over the bed” With that she grabbed the maamaa and shoved it in’t book cupboard and I ran off and self-isolated for quite a long time under Gills chicken hut until I thought she had cooled off. I did tell her what had happened and she forgave me, but we had to sleep in the spare bed for a week until we got a new mattress and quilt for our bed, It really was in a poopy mess.

Me mams given me mi own page on Fakebook so I can put pictures of mesen on so lots of people can worship me face she’s also show me how to watch You tube, so when I sit in front of’t computer telly she puts something on for me to watch I like the worm chasing one best but mice is nice.

It’s Splaterday the tenty oneth of Avril. Me mam got fed up of me aksing her to put me on you tube an’ Fakebook   so she showed me ‘ow to do it.

So now she leaves it on standby an’ I just click on what I want ‘cause there is apps an’ I just press wi’ mi paw.

Now that was all goin’ well till I got this bloody message.

Now, Astrid and Jupiter aren’t even real they are paper mâché puppets so ‘ow the ‘ell can they be scared. Eh up I thought there’s no peace for me now, she’s even getting’ at me on’t tinerret. Any road up, I now know that when she (me big mam) pisses me of big style All I do is click on’t Amazon app an’ order loads of Norregion cheese.

I’ve done it 3 times up to now an’ it’s only Avril the onety sexth, we will be ‘aving 6 cheeses delivered before long yippee!!!!

Me mam sat an’ ate a load of choclit Eater Sumdy ‘cause that’s what yer do. I don’t like brown choclit but I like white and I love cheese. Any road I’m doin’ early’s at Gill’s garden centre and as I sleep with me mam and dad which is good so it’s easier to get me mam up at 5am to get me grub and see me off to work. She calls me a bastard every morning before I go, to wish me good luck wi’ me rodent patrol.

It’s Eater Mundy, I don’t eggsactly know what that is, but it’s summat to do wi that baby cheeses who was born in a mangie in a barn in a place called Bedlam. I’ve been practicing me kneading techniques on me mams head when I wake her for me early shift so when me dad makes some bread I can help with his kneading.

It’s Maypril the tentyfiveth and nearly my birthday. Mi mam ‘as a mate called Hitonmi she’s really pretty, me mam says it’s because she’s Chapanese and so she seems extopic to us britishers. Trouble is she say’s that she has difficulty understanding what I say ‘cause of me Yorkshire absent so I’ve aksed Milo to teach me to speak proper like what He does. He said He would.

I’m still on early’s at Gills garden centre and the other morning I was Chatting with Milo who’d come to look at me doin’ me job. When we got to one of the little cages I saw Hitonmi’s gwinnypigs Teddy and Yoshi an’ I shouted to them “Eh up lads, ow at ta both” and Milo said that if I wanted to speak right to them I should say, “ Good day to you both and how are you” and went on to give me a speech exercise to practice. “How now brown pigs” I have been practicing all day in between eating mice and a bit of bird food for roughage.

I got really worried this morning listening to Mum and Dad talking Mum said she’d had a dreamed that she had stuffed me inside one of Gills dead chickens because she knew I liked chicken but to stop me weeing inside it she had fitted me with a catheter and carried me in a tin to the oven.

Well I didn’t completely understand what she meant so I looked “Stuffed, dead, weeing, catheter and oven” on Google it took some time trying to type with my paws I can tell you. I ran out of the house in fear of my life and hid under Gill’s chicken shed. The one word I hadn’t looked up was “dream” so when Mum and Dad was watching telly I snook down and aksed Sorry asked Milo what a dream was, and he explained it was what went on in your head when you were asleep like chasing birds or mice and then you wake up. I heaved a big breath of relief and then knew that all would be ok. I went running in to my mum and jumped on her knee and she gave me lots of belly rubs and cuddles and said I was Her lovely boy. I love my mum and dad so much………

22th Avril Nearly my birthday and I’m getting very excited ‘cause I heard my mum say to dad about getting some specks for me as I was always hitting her on the head when I jumped on it in bed. I’m thinking specks must be summat to do with yummy cat sweets, I hope they’ve got cheese in them. I’ve told my cat mates that I’m having a party and I’ve invited Bilbo Bigends Gills cat he’s so old Milo says he’s 80 years old and remembers the big cat revolution when Owen Dil Mower was king of the Glyn.

Dad must have upset my mum again as she was painting another one of his boots this morning. I offered to help her and jumped up on her painting table and used me sorry my tail to help her put a bit of paint on it. I don’t think I did a good job ‘cause because she said “Bigger off yer daft pillock you’ve got paint all over the arse” and proceeded to wash my bum.

I was walking past Gill and Maart’s the other day and I could hear someone shouting “Oggie, Oggie, Oggie, Ay, Ay, Ay.” So, I kept shouting back “I’m here what do you want?” Then it happened again and again.; so, I shouted sod you I haven’t time to mess about today” and went back home. As I was walking along, I bummed into my mate Milo, so I told him what I had heard and he said “Come on I show you who it is” and we went into Gill’s house through a cat door in a door. First, he showed me where the food was and introduced me to Bilbo Bigends and then I heard it again “Oggie, Oggie, Oggie, Ay, Ay, Ay.” There in the corner of the room was a bloody great big grey bird with a really sore bum it was so red, I thought He doesn’t want my mum to wash his arse it would be so painful and sat under him was Sam, he’s a big guard dog and food taster for the birds, but he’s dead soft and lets me rub my head on him. Milo asked Bilbo Bigends what it meant and he explained that everyone in the house liked to watch the Welsh play rugby and always shout, “Oggie, Oggie, Oggie, Ay, Ay, Ay.” At the team and Alfie likes to join in with all the noise. Well I was glad that was all it was as I didn’t want to have to worry that someone was in trouble. I am a nice lad aren’t I for caring.

Apron 25th yesterday was my birthday and I had a great day. I was out all day in the sun, rolled in loads of muck, played tag with me sorry my mates Milo and James and mum and dad gave me a cake with all the stuff I love to eat in, salmon, chicken and CHEESE loads of cheese, my belly was busting so I slept it off over night but I still got my mam up at five to let me out as I felt like a hunt in the woods. I have had a smashing first year and I have loved every minute of except for the trip to the vets. Now comes year number 2.